Yeah, I keep banging on about my birthday. Well, now it’s gone & I’m 20. I’ll never be a teenager again blah blah *insert repetitiveness here about how I’m so upset I’ll never be a teenager again*.
I need to be harder on myself. I’m too lenient with myself, I literally need to grow the heck up.
I need to stand up for myself.
I need to work on myself.
I need to depend on myself.
I need to believe in myself.
Now I know this post is different to all the other posts I’ve done, it’s not very positive either, & that may be due the fact that my eyes are struggling to stay open, it’s 1am & I’m absolutely knackered, but I’m an adult now. In fact I ‘technically’ became an adult a while ago, but I never actually became an adult.
I need to stop using the same old excuses & telling myself I’ll never stop being a kid because, okay fair enough I can always have a laugh and goof around, but I need to become more serious. I need to become more mature.
I’m not a little kid anymore & I don’t always want to have to run to Mummy for help, I should know how to stand up to people & face problems on my own.
99% of the time I’m completely fine but when that 1% comes, it comes full on, at 90mph. And that 1% isn’t a nice thing to have, I want rid of it & it’s up to me to do that. There’s going to have to be no more depending on others, I’m going to have to stand on my own two feet & when I disagree with something or feel as if something’s unfair, I have to say it.
It’s literally only now that I’m feeling like this, I haven’t felt like this in a while & I probably won’t for a while, but I thought I’d let it all out of the system whilst it’s here, as writing brings clarity. There’s something about seeing things on paper/on the screen that makes it all clear; you have to think what you’re going to write & what the problem actually is & what the heck you’re actually going to do about it.
Those of you that know me will know that I’m a happy, bubbly kinda person (most of the time) & am really pleased with how far I’ve come. 99.9999% of the time I literally don’t care at all what people think of me, as I’ve learnt that it really is irrelevant. But it’s times like these at 1am on a Thursday night/Friday morning where I feel as if all that paranoia & feeling of being lost has risen from the dark shadows from my time at high school and has come to say hey. The creep.
I like to laugh, I like to have fun & I don’t take life seriously. That’s been working well for me so far, but hasn’t been making me feel 100%. So I guess I’m going to have to try something new.
I think it’s time to kick out the immaturity & take some responsibility for the first time in my life.
There’s no point in me acting like a child & then saying “I know it’s my own fault, I shouldn’t have done it”, because *news flash* you’re right girl, you shouldn’t have. Yes, we all make mistakes which we learn from but not being able to stand up for yourself – hmm, is that really a mistake? Or is that just something I need to work on & should be able to do right now?
I need to stop playing the victim & stop taking on too much & stop getting stressed out and procrastinating because I have too much to do.
No, I need to do it. I need to get organised, I need to start praying, which I should have been doing anyway, I need to take responsibility & then I need to do what’s best for me.
And then I probably need to realise that I’d never speak to someone the way I’ve just spoken to myself in this post. And then I need to stop being too hard on myself & just build up my own confidence & believe that I can.
And then I probably need to go to sleep.
But, yeah, anyway, I’ll never ever stop laughing (hopefully).
So kids, the moral of the story is this: when you’re tired, go to sleep.
Like I said, I’m extremely tired right now, so if this seems jumbled, I can assure you, it’s the way it’s meant to be – I’ve just typed it up & I’m pressing publish.
What have some of your biggest hurdles/challenges been when it comes to growing up? And how are you dealing with them?
1 Week Mary x